Yay! You’re pregnant! The following is a list of things you may or may not get to look forward to. If you are terribly lucky, like me, you will experience all of them…5 times.
- Morning Sickness — I wish! More like, ”As soon as you’ve finally managed to force down food it’s time for it to come back up” sickness. Don’t worry it’ll go away at about week 20. Hey, you’ll be halfway done!
- Nausea — Not to be confused with puking. As if throwing up repeatedly isn’t enough. Try eating enough calories to sustain yourself and grow a baby while food tastes like cardboard and goes down just as easily. If the food has even a hint of flavor-forget it. Your stomach will no longer tolerate food with smell. For the person who never had puking with their nausea, you’re not missing anything. Unlike the stomach flu, you will not feel better after you puke! So enjoy every calorie you retain from those handful of saltines you managed to choke down.
- Insomnia — You drag your weary body through your day, longing for your cozy bed and plush pillow, only to find when you finally lay down…Wide…A…Wake. Why? Why!
- Exhaustion — You are growing a baby. A baby! From practically nothing! Do you realize how much resources that takes from your body? Now you do. You can feel it in your bones. On the plus side, you have met your productivity quota for the day and can now rest. Good job.
- Swollen ankles — You used to have calves and ankles. Now you have cankles.
- Emotional Roller coaster — Get ready for the ride of your life. From bawling uncontrollably over inconsequential things, “I can’t find my sock”, to rage, “Where is that bleeping bleep-bleep sock”, and back again in a matter of seconds.
- Heartburn — Good luck with this one. Cutting out food with flavor will help, yum more cardboard, but not really. None of the over the counter drugs helped. It is what it is. Drink lots of milk.
- The waddle — Unless you are one of those pregnant women with impossibly tiny tummies that make other moms want to slap you, then you my friend, will waddle when you walk. Don’t fight it, embrace it.
- Stretch marks — Or as I like to call them, battle scars. If you don’t think pregnancy counts as a battle, wait until labor.
- Baby kicks — At first these signs of life are comforting, But as baby get bigger and stronger, they will quickly become bruise creating, rib crushing, kicks of death. It will sometimes feel like there’s a boxing match taking place inside you. Unless you are carrying twins and then maybe there really is. On the plus side, if it gets violent enough, you could sell tickets.
- A teeny bladder — I’m talking the size of a pea. Or that’s how it will feel when you drink 1 oz of water and have to pee every 15 minutes. Gravity will not be on your side. Sitting down, everything will feel completely comfortable, but the second you stand…Let’s just say don’t be surprised if you have to change your underwear…several times a day. Beware standing up!
- An expanding belly — Which means shopping for clothes. Yay, shopping! Who doesn’t like shopping. You, once you realize that nothing is going to fit! Whether it fits or not it’s going to cost 3 times what your other clothes cost you. Suck it up sister. Or be like me and wear your husband’s clothes. When that stops working, graduate to Moo-Moos. Trust me, super comfortable. Or you could cut a hole in a large tablecloth, same thing.
So, you might say, if pregnancy sucks so much, why do it?
Good question. After all, I have some choice about whether or not I become pregnant. Why do it 6 times or more (I don’t know the future).
Why I Choose Pregnancy Even Though It Sucks
- This video
- Sex is fun. Sex when fertile is even more fun. Guess what happens when you have fertile sex. That’s right, you throw up for 3 months.
- On a serious note. Babies are a blessing. Each of my children is an awesome, glorious burden that I feel honored to be entrusted with. I know I am a more compassionate, honest, and loving person because of the trial by fire that is both pregnancy and parenthood. I would feel blessed to be given the chance to raise another of God’s precious gifts…but (in complete honesty) I would prefer if I am to receive any more future gifts that they come from someone else’s body.